Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
