Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
