I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
