If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
