I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
