i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Houston, we have a squirter
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
