I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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