God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
no you cant smoke seaweed
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
