doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
being pregnant is like rehab
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
