Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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