My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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