Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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