I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
