she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
