this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize