I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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