I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
