She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
