she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
