So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
