My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
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She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
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I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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