So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
