He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
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Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The air taste purple.
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