drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
