she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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