the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
