The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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