My sheets look like a crime scene.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
