i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
ttyl tear gas
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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