We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
