it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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