So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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