I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she told me i tasted like america
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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