my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
