I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
