I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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