not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
