my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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