i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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