I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
