I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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