feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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