So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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