got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
