he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
