During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
