I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
