I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
