he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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