We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
