Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
