Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My vagina is very pro this idea
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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