Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
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I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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