When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I want her autograph on my taint
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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