Soap is not a condiment
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
