You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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