I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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